ADHD and Setting Boundaries: Strategies for Women

Did you know that women with ADHD often struggle more with setting boundaries than their male counterparts? This challenge can leave them feeling drained and overwhelmed, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

How ADHD Affects Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of self-care, yet for many women with ADHD, it can feel like an uphill battle. If you find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no, you’re not alone. The struggle often stems from the unique way ADHD affects emotional regulation, impulsivity, and memory.

Emotional Dysregulation

One of the most significant hurdles is emotional dysregulation. Many people associate ADHD primarily with focus issues, but emotional dysregulation can be just as impactful. This means experiencing intense emotions that can shift rapidly, making it difficult to assert your needs. For instance, when faced with the prospect of saying no, you might feel a surge of guilt or anxiety about how the other person will react. This emotional turmoil can lead to avoidance, leaving your needs unaddressed.

Impulsivity and People-Pleasing

Another factor is impulsivity, which can lead to people-pleasing behaviors. You might agree to commitments without fully considering your capacity, driven by a desire to avoid conflict or be liked. This tendency can leave you feeling overwhelmed and depleted, especially if you have a history of minimizing your own needs.

Low Working Memory and Time Perception

Low working memory and issues with time perception also play a role. Maintaining boundaries requires planning and consistent follow-through, which can be challenging for those with ADHD. You might forget previous commitments or lose track of time, leading to overcommitment and stress.

Why Setting Boundaries Is a Challenge for Some Women with ADHD

Societal expectations add another layer of complexity. Women are often expected to juggle multiple roles—caring for others, maintaining relationships, and being constantly available. For women with ADHD, this pressure can feel even more intense.

The Sacrificial Good Woman

The narrative of the sacrificial good woman teaches that a woman’s worth is tied to her selflessness. This can make it feel selfish to prioritize your own needs, especially when you need rest or alone time. You might think, “If I say no, I’m being selfish. I should be able to handle more.”

The Do-It-All Woman

The do-it-all woman is expected to manage work, family, and household responsibilities with grace. However, ADHD can make this nearly impossible, leading to feelings of shame or inadequacy. You might internalize the belief that needing help means you’ve failed.

The Difficult Woman

Lastly, the label of the difficult woman often arises when assertiveness is misinterpreted as aggressiveness. This double standard creates pressure not to voice discomfort or challenge others, leading to fears that setting boundaries will make you seem rude or unlikable.

Strategies for Setting Boundaries

The good news is that you can learn to set boundaries, even with ADHD. It’s all about taking small, consistent steps and employing a few effective strategies.

Start with Self-Awareness

Begin by tuning into your body and emotions. Recognize the early signs of overwhelm, resentment, or depletion. Ask yourself:

• What am I feeling in my body? (e.g., tight shoulders, fatigue)
• What’s my emotional state? (e.g., irritable, anxious)
• What does this cost me in terms of energy and peace?

Mindfulness practices, such as journaling and body scans, can enhance your emotional awareness over time.

Rehearse Before You Respond

Boundary-setting conversations can trigger anxiety. To combat this, try scripting your responses ahead of time. This preparation can help reduce anxiety by providing a sense of control. For example, you might say, “I’d love to help, but I’m at capacity for the week.”

Hit the Pause Button

In moments of impulse, use the STOP skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT):

• Stop: Don’t act on the urge.
• Take a breath.
• Observe your feelings and thoughts.
• Proceed mindfully in line with your values.

This pause creates a gap between emotional impulse and intentional action.

Expect and Manage Emotional Pushback

Be prepared for potential pushback when you set boundaries. People may not like your new limits, especially if they’re used to you saying yes. Ground yourself with phrases like, “Their feelings are valid, and so are mine,” to help manage any guilt or rejection sensitivity.

Practice, Repair, and Repeat

Remember that boundary-setting is an ongoing process. You may stumble along the way—overcommitting or staying silent when you should speak up. Reflect on these moments, repair if necessary, and try again with compassion. Growth isn’t linear, especially with ADHD, but each attempt rewires your brain to prioritize your needs.

Conclusion

Your needs are valid, and setting boundaries is a form of self-preservation. It’s not selfish; it’s essential for your well-being. So, take a deep breath, speak your truth, and remember that you don’t have to do it perfectly—just kindly and consistently for yourself.

How do you plan to start setting boundaries today? Share your thoughts in the comments!