Understanding Nonlinear Grief in ADHD: Insights from Rachel Hopkins

Did you know that many people with ADHD experience grief in a way that defies the traditional linear models of loss? This nonlinear relationship can complicate the already challenging process of grieving.

Grieving is a universal experience, but ADHD adds a distinct layer to how emotions rise and fall during this time. In this episode of Sorry I Missed This, host Kate Osborne speaks with expert Rachel Hopkins about the emotional regulation challenges and nontraditional patterns ADHD brings to the grieving journey. Through personal reflections and clinical insights, they explore how to honor your unique process and build practical supports.

The Unique Landscape of ADHD Grief

Have you ever felt like your emotions are a game of ping-pong, bouncing unpredictably from highs to lows? For many with ADHD, grief follows a jagged, nonlinear path rather than the tidy progression outlined by traditional models. ADHDers often describe their mourning as scattered: one moment they’re calm, the next they’re overwhelmed by waves of panic or guilt. This chaotic emotional rollercoaster can intensify shame when they compare themselves to a “normal” grieving timeline, leaving them feeling as if they’re failing at loss itself.

"When we think about grieving, it’s not about following a roadmap. It’s about honoring your unique journey." — Rachel Hopkins [verify]

Executive Function Challenges and Grief

ADHD influences how you perceive and manage time, and grief only magnifies that effect. Many people with ADHD experience time blindness, so marking anniversaries or planning funerals can slip off the radar entirely. For example, while one person might carefully organize a yearly memorial, someone with ADHD might wake up on the anniversary with no memory of its significance. The guilt that follows—“Am I a bad person for forgetting my loved one is gone?”—can deepen emotional pain and reinforce feelings of isolation. Understanding these executive function hurdles is the first step toward self‐compassion.

Emotional Regulation and Planning After a Loss

What happens when the sharp sting of grief meets the logistical demands of a funeral and memorial service? For individuals with ADHD, emotional intensity and planning tasks often collide in a storm of overwhelm. Rachel Hopkins explains that ADHD is both a focus and a regulation disorder: people feel emotions more intensely and struggle to control impulses. Some may plunge into “doer” mode—taking charge of every detail to avoid the pain of loss—only to hit an emotional shutdown once the adrenaline wears off. Recognizing this cycle can help you pace yourself instead of forcing a “keep going at all costs” approach.

Chunking Time and Creating Grief Anchors

Processing grief when your sense of time is fluid requires breaking tasks into micro‐steps. Known as “chunking,” this strategy turns a massive emotional project into manageable pieces. For instance, you might light a candle for five minutes or write a single sentence about how you feel today. Alongside chunking, Rachel recommends establishing grief anchors—small rituals or objects that give structure to your remembrance. This might be a special bracelet, a curated playlist, or even talking out loud to your loved one during a daily walk. These anchors serve as tangible touchpoints amid emotional chaos.

Coping Strategies: Distraction, Avoidance, and Celebrating Wins

Distraction often gets a bad rap, but for those with ADHD, it can be a vital coping mechanism to regulate emotional flooding. Jumping into tasks—whether cooking a meal or drafting an obituary—can offer temporary relief. The key is distinguishing healthy distraction from outright avoidance. If you find yourself endlessly managing details to sidestep pain, it might be time to pause and confront your emotions. One way to counter shame spirals is to keep a “grief wins” log. Simple affirmations like “I reached out for support today” or “I allowed myself a moment of sadness” release dopamine and validate your progress.

ADHD and Delayed Grief Reactions

Why do some ADHDers feel the weight of a loss long after everyone else seems to have moved on? Rachel observes that in her clinical practice, about 60% of her caseload are women with late ADHD diagnoses, and roughly 75–80% of them report delayed grief reactions. They stay busy with crisis tasks—planning services, returning calls—only for the full emotional impact to hit weeks or even years later. Anticipating this irregular pace and building in forgiveness can help you navigate those unexpected waves of sorrow without self-judgment.

Supporting an ADHDer Through Grief

If you’re close to someone with ADHD who is grieving, visual externalization can be a game changer. Offer to set up a grief shelf with keepsakes, hang a feelings wheel on the wall, or leave gentle sticky-note reminders about self-care and appointments. Partners can also schedule “grief check-ins” or co-write a memorial program in chunks. These concrete supports not only help track tasks but also foster a sense of shared empathy when finding the right words feels impossible.

Conclusion: It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

Grief doesn’t follow a straight line—especially for people with ADHD. Recognizing that your journey may be nonlinear and uneven is the first step toward healing. If you’re navigating grief, consider seeking community support or professional guidance to build the structures you need.

Actionable takeaway:
• Start a simple grief wins journal, logging even one small victory each day to boost dopamine and self-compassion.

How have you managed grief’s ups and downs with ADHD? Share your strategies below.